Pat is about to own someone
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*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
This made me chuckle.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”