ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
You Might Also Like
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”