Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
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“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.