I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
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SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.