You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
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I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
motivation
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.