A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
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I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Perfect
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
im all 3
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.