I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
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My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*