I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
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For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.