Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
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I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
can’t catch a break
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Bobby pin
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
im all 3
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
me
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.