[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
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u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968