Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
You Might Also Like
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
#Caturday
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.