if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
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FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro