i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
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I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.