*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
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Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that