My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
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The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Probably my best painting.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross