Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
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If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
My new favorite headline
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
we’re dead?