[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
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Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
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[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”