smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
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You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.