GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
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Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
How do you milk an almond?
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.