never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
You Might Also Like
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Warm pools make me nervous.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
bought wrong eggs
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.