My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
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Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*