By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.