showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
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You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
figuring out my emotional availability:
My Plans 2020
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific