I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
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My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.