The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
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6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
More like Kate Missington.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.