I’ve been learning to cook.
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Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.