If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
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*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.