It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
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Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.