[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
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Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God