When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
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I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.