Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
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NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time