sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
You Might Also Like
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me: