Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
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Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
two people or more is called a problem
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations