If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
You Might Also Like
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
forgive me baja for i have blast
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)