Wednesday
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diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
💁🏻♂️
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Genius idea!!
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.