Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
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Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.