I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
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Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
can鈥檛 wait til they legalize outside
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
so apparently it鈥檚 still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Her: What鈥檚 with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There鈥檚 a lovely key change at the end.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be鈥UN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Donating blood today to make room for more food
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I never understood how the little drummer boy鈥檚 parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can鈥檛 say good boy without feeling like i鈥檓 trying to play fetch with him
I wasn鈥檛 planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.