Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
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Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Saturday
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic