nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
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“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.