When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
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Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
New favorite tiktok
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.