my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
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me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.