Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
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Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
How all things should be taught/explained.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?