me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
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I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
the Monday after daylight savings
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.