I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
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That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Inside you there are two wolves
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”