[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
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[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”