When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
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My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I think this should do it.