hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
You Might Also Like
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
stop
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
called in thicc to work this morning
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.