Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
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I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs