How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
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Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend