“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
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*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle